There is a particularly menacing comet called 67P orbiting the sun that is about 4km wide. Upon learning that a collision would be fatal, I swiftly composed a letter to some eminent Nasa scientists enquiring whether its course could be altered to somehow position Earth within its path. This would ensure we’d never have to suffer the humiliation of witnessing members of the ANC protecting Faith Muthambi when she is hauled to the courts. Just what was Muthambi doing at the time of Phumla Williams’s deposition at the Zondo commission? Well, I can tell you what she wasn’t doing: she wasn’t consulting the local wizard to cast a spell upon Williams’s tongue — that’s the kind of thing Edward Zuma will encourage his nephew Duduzane to do before he appears.

She was, I’m convinced, more relaxed, unbothered, possibly shovelling mashed potatoes and gravy into her mouth with her fingers, as she is habituated to, not even halting to click her tongue dismissively at the thought of the procee...

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