Yes, Moses invented the listicle, and yes, his beard was magnificent. But as an expedition leader he was, you have to admit, absolutely useless. This isn’t heresy. It’s geography. According to the Old Testament, Moses took 40 years to lead his people just more than 400km. I know they would have had to stop every so often to pour the sand out of their sandals, but even so, Moses could have organised a game of hopscotch every morning, pointing roughly north-east, and then done nothing for the rest of the day but peer at the commandments to see if God’s handwriting revealed any personality traits, and the Israelites still would have got there sooner than they did. (The Bible tells us Moses died on Mount Nebo, which is in modern Jordan. This means he led his people out of Egypt, into the promised land, out of the promised land, and finally up a mountain where, I assume, he died of embarrassment.) The moral of this story has been clear to anyone who’s watched millions of South Africans v...

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