ANTON HARBER: Here is what would never make headlines in SA

Sometimes the news we don’t hear tells us more than the news we do hear. Here are some of the headlines we won’t see in the coming weeks:

Presidential candidate Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma fires up her campaign with a rousing speech that brings the crowd to its feet.

“What I will do when elected”. Candidate Lindiwe Sisulu spells out her economic policy in detail.

“This is how I will fire up the economy”. Candidate Ace Magashule’s 10 steps to stimulate economic growth.

ANC presidential candidates all jostle to be number 1 corruption-buster.

We take credit cards, says ANC branch as they prepare to nominate their candidates.

We don’t take credit cards, says ANC branch.

We take anything, says ANC branch.

What’s the limit on your credit card, ANC asks Russian president Vladimir Putin.

“If elected, I will take steps to protect whistle-blowers,” promises former health minister Zweli Mkhize.

“I have taken firm and decisive action,” says incumbent Cyril Ramaphosa.

“We want to bring honesty and ethics back into government,” says veteran Carl Niehaus.

Jacob Zuma enters guilty plea and asks for his trial to be speedily concluded.

Donald Trump enters guilty plea and asks for his trial to be speedily concluded.

“The prosecutors should really get a move on. Justice delayed is justice denied,” says business tycoon Markus Jooste.

“I will be brief and to-the-point. We all want this case over quickly,” advocate Dali Mpofu tells the court.

“I care about social justice so I am joining the woke brigade,” DA leader Helen Zille tweets.

“I care about social justice, so I am joining the woke brigade”, DA deputy-leader John Steenhuisen retweets.

“What happens in the ANC is their business. I am only concerned with what happens in my party,” says EFF leader Julius Malema.

“Last night I watched William Kentridge’s rendition of Shostakovich’s 10th Symphony, a creative triumph all South Africans should see” — sports, arts and culture minister Nathi Mthethwa.

Minority rights organisation AfriForum: “We are setting up a special unit to assist farm labourers.”

EFF leader Floyd Shivambu: “We are setting up a special unit to assist white farmers.”

Media owner Iqbal Survé to his editors: “Enough. Please don’t mention me in our newspapers more than twice a day.”

“Why I will vote for the ANC,” by Sunday Times columnist Barney Mthombothi.

“I was wrong. And I am humbled by that realisation,” says former president Thabo Mbeki.

We have found the Thembisa decuplets and there are 10 of them — Pretoria News editor Piet Rampedi.

The Pretoria News has found the Thembisa decuplets and there are 10 of them — Russia Today.

“There is nothing we can do to help these people,” says Gift of the Givers’ Imtiaz Sooliman.

“I love my job” — Eskom CEO André de Ruyter.

“What is the fuss about load-shedding? My lights are on” — random cabinet minister

“There are no more bucket toilets,” says water and sanitation minister.

“All our schools have electricity, flushing toilets, libraries and science laboratories” — basic education minister Angie Motshekga.

“I’m lost for words” — transport minister Fikile Mbalula.

“I’m going to take a hands-off approach. The private sector can get on with it” — trade, industry and competition minister Ebrahim Patel.

New MasterChef judge: Tito Mboweni.

“I am privileged to spend R10,000 a month on medical aid and every day I thank the taxpayers who make this possible,” — minister in the presidency Mondli Gungubele.

“Speaking to God is easier than it was to speak to my fellow Constitutional Court judges. He at least listens to me,” says former chief justice Mogoeng Mogoeng.

“It is time we stood on our own two feet. We are letting go of the ANC’s coat tails” — Communist Party’s Blade Nzimande.

Donald Trump to insurrectionists: “Stand back and stand by”.

Cyril Ramaphosa to insurrectionists: “Stand aside”.

And finally, Trevor Noah: “This is brilliant, Harber. Maybe you should apply for my job”.

• Harber is executive director of the Campaign for Free Expression and Caxton professor of journalism at Wits University.