As Lindiwe Sisulu launches her second presidential bid in all its shabby glory, carried on the shoulders of Twitter revolutionaries and apologists for insurrection, I think we should all seek solace in the benevolent countenance of the Zimbabwean holy man Passion Java.

The most reverend Java, you will recall, recently spent a smidge over R1m at a Pretoria nightclub, apparently as part of a sales pitch: for a fee, Java told the media that rushed in for a sound byte, he was willing to teach people the secret to getting rich...