I was sitting in my garden on Saturday evening, ruminating about what to write for my FM column this week. Suddenly, my neighbour shouted: "Bugger off! Get away, you thieves!" Actually, he qualified "thieves" with a nasty adjective, but I’ll leave that to your imagination.

Naturally, as a model 21st-century citizen, I immediately turned on my cellphone video before wandering over to offer help. It turned out he wasn’t being mugged, but was standing on his balcony yelling at perlemoen poachers diving off an inflatable boat a few hundred metres offshore...

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