Railroading an election

If you ever need to know just how out of touch the ruling party is with life in the Lucky Country, see its coming court battle with the “upstart” MK Party over the apparently illegal use of the original ANC armed wing’s logo.

Of course it’s election season so we can expect a lot of money to be misspent as the days tick away to May 29.

It would be great if our politicians would revive an old US tradition of electioneering by train — started by Theodore Roosevelt in 1900 when he rode the rails into rural areas, gave fiery speeches from the back of his (admittedly luxurious) Pullman car and whupped his opponent at the polls.

Of course, to do the same here would require a working railway.

Still, there are possibilities. The DA could do stump speeches from the new blue electric trains in the Western Cape — all that air-conditioned smugness rattling around on a sliver of the rail network. The windows don’t open so you can see the people speaking inside but you can’t hear them.

For the ruling party, nothing less than the real Blue Train would do. The peaty whisky. The fine seven-course dinners and crisp linen tablecloths. The enclosed observation car at the back from which you can see the ravaged land, the shacks, the poverty, the sadness blowing up against the fence like so many plastic bags … but not be bothered by it as your train rolls away into the sunburned horizon.

But which of the parties would electioneer from the zombie trains, those night “expresses” that are owned by witches and staffed by the walking dead in old South African Railways corduroy uniforms? 

“Single or return,” the conductors ask the unwary person walking alone at night. Those who say “single” are never seen again.

Which party would those trains serve best? All of them perhaps? Single or return? Choose carefully.