We start five months ago, as a beaming Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma is congratulated by a sombre Cyril Ramaphosa. A moment later she is embraced by Jacob Zuma, grinning from ear to ear. She has just become the new president of the ANC. The rand slides from R14 to R18, but ANC Twitter dismisses this as the last gasp of reactionary capital, and Minister Nomvula Mokonyane reiterates that she and her comrades will pick up the currency no matter how far it falls.

The next morning, the Presidency announces that rumours of an early exit by Zuma were nothing but a malicious effort by the DA, EFF and the media to create division within the party. Zuma will complete his term and step down as planned in May 2019.

The only major change will be the redeployment of Comrade Ramaphosa, who has agreed that he will best serve the party as the ambassador to New Zealand. He will be replaced as deputy president by the beloved new leader of the glorious movement, Comrade Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma. The rand goes to R20, and Julius Malema goes ballistic, vowing that he will not set foot in parliament while Jacob Zuma is in office.

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