Nomvula Mokonyane. Picture: SOWETAN
Nomvula Mokonyane. Picture: SOWETAN

This week’s vote of no competence inspired a variety of circus acts in its aftermath.

There was Bathabile Dlamini‚ telling the nation‚ entirely truthfully‚ that her conscience had not put her in parliament.

Then there was fantasist‚ Carl “I’m Not Lying‚ No‚ Seriously” Niehaus‚ standing at stage right‚ dressed in combat fatigues‚ suddenly starting to rummage through his many pockets‚ urgently looking for something.

I assume he was searching for the homemade uMkhonto weSizwe badge he’d spent all morning cutting out and colouring in‚ or perhaps he realised he’d misplaced the keys to Brian Molefe’s Audi which meant he was going to have to borrow someone’s credit card so he could Uber home.

Either way‚ it was perfect. A disgraced and ridiculous faux-revolutionary rifling through every pocket he could find: if ever there was a visual metaphor for this government‚ that was it.

In all the hoopla of that day‚ it was easy to overlook the Minister of Water and Sanitation‚ Nomvula Mokonyane.

In a passionate defence of her king‚ the minister pronounced that she didn’t want “our democracy to be urinated on” by white people.

Some were angered by this statement‚ but I was really impressed by how she stayed within her effluent-oriented field of expertise. She could have said that whites were ignorant‚ thereby trampling on Basic Education’s toes‚ or she could have suggested that whites leave the country‚ clearly the jurisdiction of Home Affairs‚ but instead she stayed firmly rooted in the sewer she knows so well.

The problem‚ though‚ is that under her watch‚ the department continues its stately decent down the drain of incompetence and into the sewer of vast waste and theft that epitomize this captured government.

According to recent reports‚ her department owes contractors more than R1-billion and has overspent its budget by R19-billion.

Like most of our ministers‚ Mokonyane is clearly taking the piss. But as our Plumber-In-Chief‚ she seems to be unique in that she cannot seem to figure out where to send the piss once she’s taken it.

Which brings us back to where white people — and‚ indeed‚ all South Africans — should urinate. Obviously we shouldn’t urinate on democracy: that cubicle is already occupied by Jacob Zuma‚ taking a grand old slash all over this country. But I am curious about where we’ll all be peeing when the taps run dry thanks to Mokonyane and the floaters in her ministry.

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