A text from my mother reads: “How’s the home schooling going?”

I mentally compose an answer: “Oh, it’s like The Waltons meets a TED talk round here. After a nutritious breakfast of homemade granola, we’ve logged seamlessly on to the school’s ‘learning portal’ and my five- and seven-year-old have dutifully sharpened their pencils, clamouring to be taught. They are seated at the kitchen table with their 20-month-old brother, who is using War and Peace to practise his phonics.

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