KEVIN MCCALLUM: Mama Joy a Teflon tannie hedging her bets

Mama Joy knows what side her bread is or isn’t being buttered on. It’s been just about six months since the sports ministry cut off her joyrides around the world to gurn and act for the cameras. Since then, she has married a Frenchman and come out in support of the accused, m’lud.

When Shauwn Mkhize had her La Lucia home raided by the SA Revenue Service recently, she implored her social media army: “Let’s pray for her.” This week, she has shown Danny Jordaan love, issuing a statement that made little sense in support of the Safa president who is spending a lot of time in court on fraud charges.

“Hands off my president Danny Jordaan. I am asking the court to drop the charges. Have patience and wait for the court to prove that he is guilty. For now, hands off.” Er, so, she wants the court to drop all charges but let’s see if the court finds him guilty. An all-weather friend indeed, a Teflon tannie hedging her bets.

But, she is also a giver and not just a taker, as she showed with this extraordinary display of generosity: “To my mother, Ma’Mkhize, I love you, mama. You are always there for me when I go to the national teams, whether it’s New Zealand, Australia, or anywhere. On that note I bought you these socks with a South African flag for your birthday, to say happy birthday, I love you, mama.”

Jordaan was no doubt one of the 221 delegates on the Zoom call to Fifa HQ in Zurich on Wednesday, where Gianni Infantino, the president of Fifa, showed that he has indeed transformed football’s governing body.

Under Sepp Blatter, the decision to host the World Cup had a semblance of democracy underpinned by furious and furtive lobbying, back-scratching, glad-handing and payments to diaspora projects and numbered bank accounts. The delegates from the national bodies were united in their aim to look after themselves first.

Under Infantino, those delegates have been subverted into Infantino’s Infantry, a body of yes men — and most of them are still men — hoping for scraps to fall from the table as Fifa’s president feasts with despots, dictators and murderers.

Infantino asked-ordered the members of the Congress to ensure their hands were raised when they applauded for the “acclamation” to approve the two bids. He commanded: “Let me see your hands ... near your head”, no doubt to check who was acclaiming in sufficient acceptance of his greatness in taking the World Cup to places it has not been before and where it does not belong.

“Thank you for this clear vote of support,” he shouted. Then the “scrutineers”, a name that is ancient Fifa language for “Spanish Inquisition” gave the acclamation the thumbs-up. Then he opened an envelope to produce a card that read “Saudi Arabia” because, well, that’s what they used to do when they actually voted for World Cups.

Wednesday’s announcement of the hosts of 2030 and 2034 was the lowest and saddest spectacle from an organisation that has a great deal of talent and expertise in being low and sad. It was, read a headline in the Guardian: “A vote without a vote: the Saudi World Cup is an act of violence and disdain.”

“Saudi 2034 World Cup an outrage and a sham that they could have stopped,” was the headline in The Times.

Fifa under Infantino and Saudi Arabia are a perfect fit. Saudi has a mostly supine population. Fifa have a subservient membership, where human rights, right and wrong is up for sale.

“A second World Cup to the Middle East in four editions, unchallenged, unquestioned, unopposed. Voted through by an assembly of Schaufensterpuppen — what we call showroom dummies, but the German contains just the right amount of guttural contempt — who act as if they are powerless to prevent this outrage, when they are not,” wrote Martin Samuels in The Times.

“A sport run along absurdly dictatorial lines is now firmly in the hands of the real thing. Give us your acclaim. Or don’t. It won’t really matter either way,” affirmed Barney Ronay in the Guardian.

Back at her home, nestled in the bosom of the accused, Mama Joy will no doubt be wondering who is going to be paying for her ticket to 2034. She’s already started working on that.