KEVIN MCCALLUM: Fighting Artichokes, maybe. Scrotie, a cert. But Commanders? Yugh

The good news from Washington is that their gridiron team have a new name. The bad news is that it is mind-numbingly dull. The Washington Commanders were unveiled this week to a suitably miffed and underwhelmed fan base.

It has taken 18 months for the franchise to come up with the name after they dropped “Redskins” from their title after 87 years. That’s a year-and-a-half, with over 1,200 different name suggestions, 40,000 submissions from fans, legal wrangling, secret meetings, surveys and hand-wringing to settle on “Commanders”.

It speaks, the marketing team mumbled, to the military aspect of Washington. It is also, many American newspapers noted, the name of the dog of the commander-in-chief, President Joe Biden. 

The Washington Post was not impressed: “Hail to the joyless: Washington’s new brand forgets that football is fun,” wrote critic Robin Givhan. Some of the suggestions included Admirals, Armada, Brigade, Sentinels, Defenders, Red Hogs, Presidents, RedWolves and Hogs.

One long-time fan, Alex Moody, told the Post the name had landed with a “thud”. “It struck me as the most generic kind of devoid-of-meaning name they could have picked,” said Moody. “‘Commanders’ just goes towards a bland corporate name or brand that has zero interest, zero meaning.” 

There were over 1,900 comments on one story on the Post’s site. They are, unlike other comments sections where good sense and humour go to die, worth the read.

“The Washington Deep State,” was one suggested name, “The Washington Lobbyists” another. “So my hope for ‘The Pork Barrels’ and ‘Bubbles’ was all in vain,” wrote “Gobsmacked”. Other comments included: “Commanders is out of the Trump fallen best product brand name cachet. Best steak of the universe.”

“Commanders: Until now, the name of a Mexican cigar ... but from this day forward, the name of an NFL team that gets smoked on Sundays.” “Whoever thought up the name ‘Washington Commanders’ must not be familiar with the British meaning of ‘WC’ — ‘water closet’,” aka toilet. I can just imagine some of the riffs on those initials.” 

The feeling of many fans was summed up by the reader who wrote: “I have to go see the ophthalmologist because I sustained an eyeroll injury.” 

The USA Today newspaper ripped into the new logo: “Uh huh. It’s a soccer logo, y’all. Barf. I thought as we moved off ‘WFT’ (Washington Football Team), we’d steer away from soccer, but no such luck.” 

“RedWolves” was the name favoured by many Washington fans, but there were trademark issues. Someone at the SA Rugby Union should have a word with the Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors, the gridiron team of the University of Hawai’i then. They started with their nickname only in 2013. 

Americans go in for weird nicknames, and these are courtesy of the accordingtoandrewblog website.

There is the University of Arkansas at Monticello Boll Weevils;  the Poca Dots — a high school in West Virginia that has had the name since 1928; Fort Wayne Tincaps; Columbia College Fighting Koalas; minor league baseball team the Lansing Lugnuts; Sol C Johnson Atom Smashers; Avon Old Farms Winged Beavers; Mars Area Fighting Planets; Cairo Syrupmakers; Chattanooga Central Purple Pounders; Centralia Orphans (their women’s teams are called the “Annies”); Hoopeston Area Cornjerkers; UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs (John Travolta actually wore a Banana Slugs T-shirt in Pulp Fiction); and, at number one, the Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes. 

The Rhode Island School of Design boast alumni such as actors James Franco and Seth MacFarlane, as well as David Byrne of Talking Heads. They are, apparently, not much cop at sport, which is perhaps why they have nicknamed their ice hockey team the “RISD Nads” and their basketball team the “RISD Balls”. Yup, as in gonads. Fans cheer on teams by shouting “Go Nads!” 

Their logos have two balls or round spheres. Their mascot is called “Scrotie” and, until 2016, the costume was a pretty blatant seven-foot penis with testicles. It has now been returned to a cartoon-like character. 

The Nads, Fighting Artichokes, Purple Pounders, Cornjerkers ... what a country. And, then, we have the Commanders. Soon to be known as the Commies or the Commodes or going commando.

 The team’s president, Jason Wright, wanted “Washington Football Team”. Simple. Effective. Wright was right.