Single and happy to not mingle

“I’m single and I haven’t died,” a friend exclaimed one night at dinner.

We laughed — yet this statement exposed a host of assumptions that are still very much a part of our society and culture. Among these are that being partnered or married is the preferred norm. That it’s miserable being single, and so you might just die, of loneliness or boredom, or even shame. 

The poster child of being single is author and social researcher Bella DePaulo. Having decided early that she was a “single at heart”, and now in her early 70s, she’s spent decades writing about this choice. Her most recent book is the 2023 volume, Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life. This research-packed book cites cases and statistics about the growing numbers of people who choose this lifestyle, as well as some guidance for those who are single.

She quotes the example of a woman writing in to an advice columnist. Happily single, with meaningful work, she says her children are saying she should find someone, and she is also noticing societal pressure to pair off. Should she put effort into finding someone?

DePaulo writes: “Flip the script and imagine a married person asking something comparable: ‘I have been married for eight years. My life is really good. My marriage is really good. I have a home I love and good relationships with my kids. But I wonder: will I stay this happy? Would it be better to split up now so that I have enough time to invest in a life of my own? Should I put more effort into living on my own?’” 

DePaulo also notes that for half a century there has been a transformation in the way we live, from women having fewer babies to more people living alone, with a retreat from marriage at the heart of this: “A UN report tracking changes between 1990 and 2010 showed that in every region of the world, a smaller percentage of adults were marrying.”

What does the single life look like for some South Africans who have chosen this route?  

Mandy Collins, life coach and writer, 55, divorced a decade ago, and says she is not interested in finding someone new: “I am completely and utterly contented as I am. I don’t want to share my space. I don’t want to share my wardrobe. I don’t want to have to check with somebody else about my decisions or consult them before I do something. I love every minute of being single.”

This statement is echoed by Janet Evans*, 48, a marketing professional, who had serious relationships in her 20s, and some pairings in her 30s, and who has now been single for 10 years.

“It’s such a luxury to be able to live alone. I just like my independence and my freedom. I never had that yearning to live with someone and be engaged. To get married and have children. I got very involved in my career, and I was lucky enough that my career has taken me travelling for long periods of time and that’s quite difficult to do with a partner.”

For David Meyer, 38, an academic, being single is a natural way of being: “I’ve been single most of my life, I’ve never really seen a need for anything serious. This is what I’ve known.”

What is central to the lives of these many single-at-heart folks is having a large network of friends. Meyer elaborates: “I find the role of friends very important. If you have a partner, you have one person as your supporter, but as a single person there are many support networks you can draw on in different ways.”

Support also comes in the form of family. Nadia Cassim*, 59, the owner of a catering company, lives in a semi-detached home, with her sister and son occupying the other half. While she has had long-term relationships, she is happily single.

She says many of her relationships were difficult: being in same sex-relationships meant that sometimes the families of her partners wouldn’t accept such relationships for their daughters. Cassim doesn’t discount being “swept” off her feet by someone new, but isn’t looking for anyone else. “I can make my own decisions,” she says, “I can decide what I’m going to do, if I want to work throughout the night to the morning.”

Many are also comfortable attending functions such as weddings alone, or going to movies or restaurants alone. The answers were overwhelmingly affirmative and showed the respondents to have a high level of confidence and comfort. A huge surprise is how many of these singletons did not experience pressure to find a partner or to marry. These choices have been accepted by their family and friends.

An exception to this was Karisa Khumalo*, a creative in her early 30s, who says there is pressure to marry. Her older sister is unmarried, and Khumalo’s mother has now tried to pressure her to find someone. Khumalo, however, having had a few unsatisfactory relationships, with one that was abusive, is happy being single for now. She wants to take time to work on herself, from her financial situation to her body. 

Singletons are often asked about will happen to them in the future. This wasn’t a concern that cropped up at all. There is no guarantee Collins adds, “that someone is going to be with you until you’re 84”.

Deirdre Byrne, 62, a professor of English, is the only one of the interviewees who, though happily and successfully single, with a busy career and a packed social life, has recently decided to join a dating app to see what might transpire. Married at 28, she has one daughter and left her marriage to be with another woman who provided what her marriage could not. That relationship, and a few subsequent others, didn’t last.

She explains her journey: “I’ve spent since about 2006 onwards trying to define myself as being enough and being OK in and of myself. That’s important for me, that I have full value in myself. I must be able to walk into a room and it doesn’t matter if I have somebody with me or not. I am able to feel that I belong... I don’t need somebody to make my life complete. But I would like to have somebody who is special, who I can care about and spend intimate time with.”

Shedding more light on why there are so many more happy single people in the world is psychologist Venise Germanos. She says: “I think our values are quite different to 20-30 years ago. We value progress, we value career, we value ambition and drive. We’ve focused more on self-development. People are less willing to settle. They are happy with their own space and not having to have somebody almost ‘invade’ that space. People are a lot more independent, they are more capable of being on their own.”

A burning question was how to achieve intimacy without a romantic partner. Collins says, “It is entirely unimportant. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. There’s so much more to life.” 

Germanos spoke of the many different types of relationships that are now available and acceptable. “There are some people that find ways to fulfil their needs. They’ll have a friend with benefits, for example, or they will have somebody on the side that they can trust, but they’re quite happy to keep it at a distance.”

What is clear in talking to this group of happily singles is that they have found a way to both live life on their own terms and thrive while doing so.

• Some names have been changed to protect the interviewees’ identities.